mirandas_muse

The last good by

2006-09-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted in a while…… things have been crazy-mad.

Much has changed and continues to change- to my surprise and amazement.
I have found that even at my age and level of cynicism I still have much to learn.
From the beginning of the New Year (American) until now has been a reflective time for me.

Though I had a sense of direction, I felt I was merely marking time. The year was unfolding as I had thought it would until February. I learned my daughter would have twins and their arrival date would be June. This was a remarkable coincidence that tied to an event 22 years earlier. This event was the simple gift of a stone that until now had been resting in a bag, with no purpose. Now it would become the birthstone of the new girls.

Though I had stayed in touch with the giver of the stone, our conversations had been limited to the usual pleasantries of weather, life in general and family. This perhaps would have continued to be the case had there not been the conflict in his country.

This conflict was not unlike many others that had erupted over the last few decades, but somehow I felt a different sense of “emergency” about this one. Silly though it seemed, I contacted my friend to wish him well.
This simple act, conducted with only the thought of wishing a safe return, has brought about amazing life changes and the reassurance that my life is not my own, but belongs to a much higher and grander plan.

If you have visited this place (my site) you have been a voyeur into some of it. Over the summer, this simple act has transformed itself in to the beginning of an amazing journey.
This simple act has rekindled what was a friendship and changed it into a lasting commitment.

This simple act has given more purpose to a direction I had started 6 years ago.
This simple act will change forever the course of my life, as I will be leaving the county of my birth, for a place I have never been, to enjoy a life that can only be dreamed of by most.

I wish I could take credit for making these decisions myself, but as this last couple of weekends has proven; there is a larger plan and consciousness at work.

For those that know me only on the surface, there is a perception that I am the “wild child” saying and doing whatever I please. While this is true, for those that really know me, they are aware of my deeply spiritual side. Though I have not been a “zealot” with my beliefs, I have followed them with a purpose and strength of will. But even with that purpose and strength, I find now that I have still been “floating” through life.

If ever that were “proven” to me it would have been in the events of the last few weeks. Though I had made a commitment to my friend, there was “wiggle room”. I could, if I had chosen, resend the commitment I had made. There were also obstacles that could have prevented me following this commitment as well.

These past few weeks have cleared these obstacles and given me an unprecedented view of life. I have a renewed sense of many things.

I know that my feelings for my friend are really much deeper and lasting than I could have imagined as I had promised myself not to “ever let myself fall again”. I am proud and honored to call my friend my bashert. But then, he is more than that.

He is a brilliant, handsome man full of life and energy. He has dreams and feelings that amaze me daily. His love of his people and country comforts me.
He has allowed me to come to him without pressure or guilt. His guidance has been one of a strong and firm hand but not an overpowering presence.
He has allowed me to follow whatever path was laid before me. He trusted in the plan of “the higher purpose” before I knew it even existed. His love and understanding of me is amazing.
He makes me smile.

He is my husband and I am his wife.

Then there are the events of the last few weeks. Obstacles have been falling away and roads have been cleared. I have made many new friends in this journey. Each has offered me a clear road to this path. This was perhaps most evident this past weekend as I participated in my first Rosh Hashanah.

Going to a place I had not been before, with a people that shared not only a religion but also a culture was more than intimidating. What I found were a warm and welcoming people. They understood that I was a neophyte in their midst and helped me through the service.

It was during that service that something else happened. Though I know that any meaning can be found in any teaching or instruction, the words that the Rabbi said seemed to be very pointed. They gave me pause. At that moment and the following day, I have never felt so more alive and centered. It was as if what I had been waiting for all of these years was here and I merely had to reach out and touch it.

At that moment I felt my husband with me though he is thousands of miles away. I felt my schooling had a purpose and direction to be used for the greater good.
I felt complete.

So, as I close, this will be my last writing here. I have enjoyed posting here and if anyone has read these notes, I hope that they take something from them that they need.
To all others…..
I hope that you find what you are searching for.

Remember to never close any doors or burn any bridges. Take the high road and be gracious. Count your blessings even when they don’t appear to be present.

If y’all are ever in Israel, stop by…. We’ll do coffee….. :)

9/11

2006-09-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

Today, it's five years since I lost a good friend and a lover.

Both men were doing their jobs when the unimaginable happened. I'm sure that both hadn't even given a thought to anything happening out of the ordinary that day. Both would have laughed if you had told them that this would be the end. They lived life to the fullest at all times.

I'm sure that as the worst was happening to them, their thoughts were on doing the right thing instead of considering themselves. From all accounts, both died heros trying to help those around them. To hear this surprised none of us who knew them. In life they were loving, caring people that made the world a better place.

My friend that worked in the Trades always had a happy face and was a fun person. Though we had only begun as customer and service provider, I came to know him as much more than that. He and his family extended every courtsey and a bond of friendship formed. He showed me a side of the city I could never have imagined. I still have happy memories of those times. I grieve with his family over his loss. A loss they still feel.

My lover was with the Department on that day. Called in on a day off, he responded with his usual zest and zeal. His friends say that he went in, never to come out. I don't know all of the details, nor do I want to. I only want to remember the wonderful times. His generous smile and soft touch. His laugh, his jokes, his thick "Yankee" accent and him making fun of my "southern talk".

Five years later, I can say that I still miss them and probably always will.
Five years later, I still ask the questions of "why" that will never be answered.
Five years later, I light a candle in their honor, for their bravery and selflessness.
Five years later, I commemorate the sacrifices that they made.

Though my process had begun before that fateful day, I have commited myself to training and learning to prevent this from happeneing again. I have made this commitment in their honor. In their honor, I say "Never again!"

To them I say you are missed, loved and cherished.
To the families of all those that lost their lives on that day, you are in my heart and in my prayers.

Thoughts on the end of the world!

2006-08-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

The sky is falling the sky is falling!

Ok, so what else is knew? According the prognosticators of doom (news crews) the world will end tomorrow, or at least Armageddon will be in full swing….

Why you ask? Too many people with too much time on their hands would be my main guess…
But if it does come, I think I will have some unfinished business that someone will owe me for.

I don’t think I have smelled ALL of the flowers in the world…

I know I haven’t been to all the places I want to go yet.

I still have my MasterCard and the limit is pretty danged high and the balance is low.

They haven’t found Jimmy Hoffa or Al Capone’s vault.

I haven’t watched the new Pirates of the Caribbean yet…

I haven’t given THAT annoying gift to my grandchildren yet… (that will be a sweet day :) )

I haven’t figured out who really killed JFK- though being from my family I do have reasonable suspicions….

I haven't found out how many times is TOO many times ( if there ever is TOO much. I personally think there is never enough !)

And right now, this very minute, I haven’t had the pleasure of holding my new husband tightly in bed,
staring into his beautiful blue-green eyes and whispering into my beloveds ear…
those beautiful little words that will rock his world…

it’s YOUR turn to let the dogs out…

So, with the end in mind….. I think I will eat a larger bowl of ice cream… what will it matter in the morning!

Oh……. Baby doll, even if it is the end of the world…. I still better get my morning call!
I love you. I will, always and ever.
Mouse……..

another quicky

2006-08-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

I received this today in my beloved E mail.....

>Dear Valarie, Thank you for reaching out to Jacob's Light and thank you for passing out site to others. We need all the funding we can get to continue our mission. If you live locally we sure can use help packing boxes. We are based on Long Island , NY. If you do call me at 631 667 1197. Thank you for helping in memory of my beloved son Jacob.
Blessings,Dorine

What a wonderful and gracious woman. Please see the link to Jacobs light in my section under Life, Death and the In between.
Please, I know these times are hard and scary for us all, but if you can find it in your heart to help, please contact her. I believe the work that she is doing is beyond amazing!
Mouse.

random thoughts

2006-08-10T19:46:00.000-07:00

Well, the news of the world is bad today… I mean really bad, some say WW III bad and perhaps they are right…. but with all that is going on I couldn’t let this one little thought escape without comment. Yes I know…. I have a thought and you are advising me to “let it go”.

Perhaps I am just tired… you see, somewhere recently I must have gotten married… to my job… and my life has become my lover… The lover I never seem to spend much time with as my marriage to my job seems paramount at this point…. trying to balance the two- job and life have left me more than exhausted….

SO- with that as a preface here is my little observation.
Political campaigns, much like death and taxes are inevitable…. As we gear up for the coming elections (those from now until 2008). I’m sure the rhetoric on both sides will become as nasty as a three-dollar whore on a two-dollar night. I knew it would come, but I just didn’t know how quickly.

Here in Montana- where men are men and sheep are scared… the political volleys started early. Con-Rad and Tester have been the focus of most of the ads. Con- Rad lobbed the first session and trashed Tester- Frankly I don’t know much about Tester,
If I were back home he would be just another bubba in a long line of bubbas that want my vote. Nothing really stands out about him.

The ad that Con-Rad and his people concocted was about Testers' barber and his hair cut (see above mention of the bubba factor when you think about the hair cut) Of course, the barber in the commercial was an actor and Testers’ people fired back with the real barber on a different commercial (after seeing Testers hair- don’t know that I would claim that I did that to the man, but anyway)

The Dems have come back with Con-Rads political record- which for those of you that don’t know, reads like the who’s’ who manual about how to be bought off and get away with it.

The National Republican group has fired back and calls Tester a tax and spend liberal…it is this commercial that actually started me thinking on this vein…. at the end of the commercial they show a Monty Python-esc cartoon of Tester and with his mouth wide open they drive a train into it…. Saying he thinks you are a gravy train with biscuit wheels… I was rocking with the gravy train part until they got to the biscuit wheels.

Who in the world thought that up…. I mean really, how old was the person constructing that ad? I mean guys- come on…. Speaking as a conservative- that was about the lamest commercial I have seen yet…. do you need help down there to come up with better? (I can be hired)

The second part of this is the new Tester commercial…. I like the beginning of it… he says he will drive this truck all around Montana meeting every one of us…. Good thought actually in world where men get elected then forget the address of the state they are from.

The end of this commercial is again what made me chuckle (and again I want to offer my humble services) They say he will not stop until he meets with every one- except to eat… you know guys, this part could have been left out. God love him Tester doesn’t look like he has missed ANY meals in a long time. I am no expert, but I would suggest hi BMI is way over 41…. time to push away from the table there John boy…

I know you have good ideas, I will vote for you (but as an aside- I have to add that my vote for you is just as much about what you are saying, as it is a vote against Con-Rad. I would even vote for one of the afore mentioned sheep against Con-Rad)

But the bubba factor is really high with you… Again I know you have good ideas, but please, lets try to pick up the game a little and look a little more Senatorial.

SO- now that little thought is out of my head, perhaps I can go back to being vegetative…. More on this as time goes by, because I know in my heart the commercials will just get dumber…

Life, Death and the inbetween

2006-08-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

Just thoughts-
I find that recent events have probably left me with more than a few jumbled thoughts, and perhaps this is just one of them.

Life-Death and the “in between”.
We all know that the moment of our first breath is the doorway to our last.

No amount of time is guaranteed here and each moment is precious and should be savored.

Recently I had the occasion to be in a semi vegetative state while watching TV.
I find that as of late, I have become a profound news junkie. I mean, I watched the news before, but with all that my life involves, I find that I am a slave to the remote.
During this vegetative time I saw two very distinct ideas of life and death. Both involved mothers and their loss of their child in the Iraqi conflict.

One mother has made the headlines of every paper and news rag. Her name is Cindy. I don’t have to use last name here because there probably aren’t too many people that don’t know her or haven’t heard her tale of woe.

The other is Dorine. I know the reporter said her name, but the importance of it was lost on me as her story unfolded.

Both mothers had sons that they loved beyond words. Both mothers’ sons felt the connection, and importance in duty, honor and service. Though I don’t know why Cindy’s son joined, Dorine’s son was (in her words) profoundly affected by 9-11.

Now, let me stop you before any of you reading this launch into an anti Bush tirade and spell out in Micheal Moore detail why 9-11 and the conflict in Iraq have nothing to do with each other. That is another discussion for another time and this is not the time.

It really doesn’t matter why both of these fine young men with their futures in front of them thought that honor duty and service were important. To them, reasons didn’t matter, for them, it just merely “was”.

From all accounts both served bravely and with duty and purpose. Both died in that place half way around the world. Some will say that their deaths are meaningless and senseless; I would counter with their passing should not be degraded by words like that. I would say that their life and their sacrifice should be exalted. They should be symbols of the best that one can be.
As I watched, what struck me the most was the way in which these two mothers did honor their sons.

As we all know, Cindy, in her grief, divorced her husband, left her other three children and began a trek for answers that cannot be given. Along the way, she encountered people, which with their own agendas pushed her into the limelight. Her grief became a point to which all rallied. Recently it was announced that with 50,000 in insurance money from her sons’ death, she had, through a second individual, purchased land in Crawford to again take up the protest. Though everyone works through their grief in different ways, it appears that no one around Cindy has taken the time (or cares) to see that the woman is desperately in need of help. Instead these people around her parade her around and she offers up a pathetic vision of a distraught woman lost in a sea of misery.

The other woman, Dorine, offered a different prospective. Before her son died, she would send him care packages. This little morsel of home packed lovingly in a box and mailed with tenderness became a lifeline for not only her son by other members of his group. From the first box to her son, the list of boxes she mailed grew. Some contained items that were of general need. Others contained special requests. In all of the boxes she made sure to include cards and letter for the soldiers that received none. Many wrote back expressing how much they appreciated the items, but mostly how much they loved hearing from the “folks back home” and knowing that their service did matter. Though the passing of her son was a terrible loss, Dorine has continued to honor his memory by sending boxes to the ones left behind. http://www.jacobsprogram.org/jacob.htm is the site that details her endeavors. I invite all who stop by here to visit her site and help in whatever way you can.

Well, I guess this brings me to the close of my little observation. No, I didn’t call it a rant, just an observation and perhaps for me an introspection.

For me this is a time of waiting and wondering as well. Perhaps because it is my second time through a similar ordeal, I am handling it better. I remember my first time. I worried; I panicked when the phone rang. If there was a delay in plans, I was sure that the worst had happened. I continued on in this vein and I’m sure, drove the both of us crazy.

But one day, I had the occasion to meet with another woman that had lost her husband to honor and duty. Taking my hand she, asked if I thought I knew my man’s heart better than he did?

She made me see that performing his duty in service was what made him whole and that for me to denigrate that in any way was to lessen the man. That if I believed in him that I must also trust in him to know his way.
She then pointed out another person in the office. She told me that he had modified his life because his wife “didn’t get his need.” Instead of being in the field doing what he loved, he was chained to a desk and from a chair side seat, watched as the world marched by. His death would be a slow one of wasting away instead of following his heart.

From that moment I “got it”. Duty, honor, service. These were the heart of my man. Perhaps that’s why when that phone call did come, I knew that he had followed his heart and that I was better for letting him do it.

Today, as I again wait, I remember the words of that woman.

Today as I wait, not knowing whether he is boots to the ground or in the air, I hold dear, that this is his way. I will honor the heart of the man as he honors his duty, service and country.

Today as I wait, I share in the loss that two mothers have felt and hope and pray that they too will overcome the grief and see the honor that their young sons had.

To the one I wait for- though I know it will be sometime before you read this, please know that I am ever yours. You have shown me your heart and I love you more for it.
Ani L’ Dodi, v Dodi Li.
Mouse

2006-08-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

There are no words to say. I am sorry for the doubts I had. You are my bashert. I will wait.
with all of my love
mouse.

To my Wife,

This will be the last letter for a small while. You know by now I was called out with the rest. I know these few weeks have been difficult for you and you have understandably been reexamining your position.
Please do not fear. Though this is a time of trouble, it is only because of honor and duty that I am here instead of with you.
It is my honor to fight for a cause I believe in. It is my duty to support my country.
Please stand strong. Strong choices have been made and will continue to be made. There will be those that will say we should take the coward’s way out. I can not, nor could any of my comrades.

Please stay happy. This is only a small time or trouble in a lifetime of joy. This idea is why I rise every day and do what I am called on to do.

Please remember the happier times and know that they will be here soon again. Remember that though I am here I am ever with you and you are ever with me.

My wife, my mouse, I will not step into harms way. I will come home to you.
Ani ohev otach. I will, always and ever.Your loving husband Boaz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CoRfnIByq8

ok that's it!

2006-07-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

I love my e mail, I truly do. Each little missive is a morsal of life that someone is willing to share with me. Some are funny, others thoughful and lovely. But much like the shark in Jaws, there is another kind. It floats in just beneath the surface and seeks to gobble you up, never to be seen again.
This mail can put fear into the hearts of any computer user and no spam block can ever get rid of it........

What is this terrible scurge that seeks to overtake our window to our friends?
Gather 'round children and I'll tell you!
Now hold tight to each other and try not to be afraid........
This dire and dreaded mail, the one that will cause heart palpatations and nervous ticks, this awful and wicked mail is none other than the chain letter Jesus mail!
It's ok you there in the back.... you can stop your whimpering.... the mail is not here, we only speak it's name quietly to inform you.
What is the chain letter Jesus mail you ask? For those of you fortunate enough to have never seen it, it's quite normal looking. A few paragraphs, some catchy phrases and great pictures or sunsets, nature scene and small children. It speaks of love and understanding then places upon you the reader the terrible task of forwarding it to your friends. Some promise that in a few days something wonderful will happen if you send it along to 10 friends.

Others promise that someone out there needs to hear the words in the mail and by doing so their lives are changed forever. A couple do seek to warn the reader that if the mail is not sent out, other "consequences" may befall the reader.

Ok you say, it's just mail, delete it an go. Well yes in most cases this will work, but I find that most of the Jesus mail has been sent to me by one of my friends ( boy I need to check that list again huh?) and to see if I am forwarding it (not just me but any of the people that recceive it) they add in a 'if you love me" you'll mail this back to me too clause. If I delete the mail without sending it back to the person that sent it to me, I run the risk of offending.
If I forward it on to my list of people I run the risk of alienating all those that feel the way I do, but will mail it back to me so not to offend me........
So as I bring this little rant to a close:

to All my dear friends that want to lead me to the lord.... thank you. I really appreciate your thoughts, but the lord and I have a great relationship........ and to my knowledge I haven't pissed him off (this week , but the week ain't over yet!)
(to my bashert- yes, I know- hebrew light, 1/2 the religion and none of the guilt)

please DO continue to send all of the funnies though, I do love a good chuckle.......

Another day in paradise

2006-07-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

Again I have spent my day doing things I didn't wish to do, perhaps that is the way of an adult, or maybe an obsessive-compulsive mind.
As I close my week and begin a new one, I have just a few thoughts.

Last week was amazingly horrible.

The prospects for the coming week are equally dismal.

The one thing that I do wish is that if you should stop be here and read my musings that you remember just how well we have it.

While I will bi'atch about the issues in my life, my thoughts are drawn to those far away that are enduring issues I can not even begin to imagine.

I think of my friends, that until recently, I didn't even know were in harms way and I wish them God speed. I remember them fondly and would feel a void if they should pass from this world.

My bashert, you are ever in my thoughts and I hope that as we continue down the road that our paths are together. I know that at this point I am the one that must be patient. You have a job to do and you will follow through as that is your nature and one of the many reasons I feel the way I do about you.
You make me giggle with your calm words while I politely obsess over the issues of the day. And yes, I will stop watching CNN. (there is still MSNBC and FOX NEWS!) I think of the days to come and I am ever confident.

To the rest of the Nation, though I am not there, please know that I pray for a quick and peaceful resolution. May God bless and keep you all.

A lover's letter

2006-07-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

I received this today.

Scattered in the Email that gathered in the box was this simple missive. As I read, I felt the personal nature of it. It was a secret smile, a shared look, a passing touch.

As I read it again, I decided to share it in my world as a reminder that nothing is guarenteed and that each day you must tell thsoe important in your world how much they mean to you.

Letter to my Wife

I write this as things are still in chaos here. Though it is almost a daily issue, I seem to be more preoccupied with matters now.
There are many things I wish to say, but foremost is Thank you. Your choice has made my life complete, but has also changed my worldview.
Always a soldier, I find that I am reduced to a simple man with your decision.
I smile.
I smile when I think of the future, though distant now, that we will share.
I smile when I think of the past.
Our meeting when you mistakenly walked off the pier and I gallantly fell to your rescue, only to find myself being rescued by you. A proud officer, humbled by a woman with a singing laugh, bright eyes and warm smile.
The trouble we both endured for our adventure in the skies gives me pause to think of my impertinent youth.
The quiet silences between us on the beach-watching Bay play in the surf. She’s so like her mother. I know that she carries that through to her own children.
You taught me so much about just living. It pained me to see your situation, and pained me more as I found that had to return to my own commitments.
I am ever grateful that you stayed in touch. There were times that I would hear from you that the sound of your voice lifted me. There were times when I could feel the pain in your soul and I wished more than life to be there. Your brother, your grandmother, Rick and Craig, all are with you.
I think joyfully on other times. The mist in your hair under Niagara, the snow in the pines in Colorado (I do like that place), the night in Andorra learning the tango, and dinner at the Windows.
The soldier here is ready for what may come, but the man fears the darkness.

My wife, I will close now and dare to dream of things to come. But as I close, know that you have again humbled the proud soldier, and I am but a man wanting to be home with the woman he loves.
Ani ohev otach. I will, always and ever.
Your loving husband Boaz

Today's World Question

2006-07-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

I really have to stop reading the net news… Today I found this:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13781538/

The famed British astrophysicist and best-selling author has turned to Yahoo Answers, a new feature in which anyone can pose a question for fellow Internet users to try to answer. By Friday afternoon, nearly 17,000 Yahoo Inc. users had responded.

Hawking's question: "In a world that is in chaos politically, socially and environmentally, how can the human race sustain another 100 years?"

As the inner geek in me pondered this question the outer realist in me said, well DUH, we’ve been in worse shape and still survived.
The one thing I have noticed in my studies is how totally and immeasurably egocentric we are as a race. No matter the issue somehow it’s “all about us”.
Distant history tells us that there was “global warming” eons ago….. if not how would you dare to explain Dinosaurs in Northern Montana? This is not to say that human interference isn’t speeding up the process, but I would suggest that the earth has gong through many changes in the billion or so years since it’s formation. This would include finding that some parts of the North may have been tropical in nature and that some parts of the south suffered the ravages of the global ice age.
In addition to that, the infestations that have plagued mankind have been the ruin of many nations. The “Black Death” wiped out many of the larger cities killing kings and commoners in its wake. Though there is no known tally, the estimated count is at least 75 million people perished.
Wars, famine, and global weather catastrophies have caused many a generation to bemoan their plight. Mount Vesuvius decimated the known cities of Pompei and Herculaneum, killing all that resided there in seconds.
In the same time frame as the many plagues, the crusades and other wars were being waged. Names that we reciet as easy as we do sports statistics: Ghengus Kahn, Constintine, Napolean, any Roman Emperor, Hitler and others were the cause of much pain and suffering. Mankind has always endured, though each generation belabors the troubles that they see. Each generation feels that they and they alone are carrying the burdens of life placed on them by the generations of the past and the generations of the future. But every decade, a new generation springs forth to carry the torch for better or worse.
Socially, the changes have been just as distinct. There were polytheistic societeis that came into direct conflict with the growing monothesistic cultures.
Today’s world is a scary place, but with faith in All That Is, we will persevere. To do anything less is to nullify our possibilities. We have not lived up to our abilities and we must strive ever upward! To say that man has reached the pinicle of his existance is to admit defeat infront of an unseen foe.
As long is there is life and love there is world of endless possibilities!
The final answer Dr Hawking, of course we will survive!

my Bashert

2006-07-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

I watch the world, and I fear.
I know there are obligations and they weigh llike stones around a drowning person.
Only today do I know that you are bashert, but perhaps I have known that all along.
You must know my heart, I accept the Mishnah Kiddushin.
May God speed.
Every Always
Mouse

Extemes and other life issues

2006-07-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

Hummmmmm this weekend has been one of extremes.

As I was “chained” to my computer this weekend preparing for another verbal beating from my professor, when I took breaks, I “enlightened myself” over at “What’s Right”… I am sorry to say that these people identify with the group I tend to identify with… kind of like finding out the new president of the neighborhood Unity Club is Adolph Hitler. Ok, maybe that is a bit extreme, but I have never in my life seem the level of hate and disrespect that people in this arena dished out…. Well, I lie- I have seen it, but I worked in Law Enforcement, so that’s got to tell you something.
I do know that I may start using some their commentaries in my Ab Psych Class… though I may have to tone them down a bit, I don’t want to totally terrify my professor!
I also found myself falling into a torture routine too. Some of them made it easy and I know it was wrong of me, because it’s not nice to make fun of the mentally challenged. Or in their case- just down right stupid and belligerent. Either way, I think I need to again back away from this arena…. It’s not good mental health and I should know…. All of the voices in my head agree on this.

The next day- I vowed that both the dog and I would get back into our training. WOW- I don’t know who suffered more, the dog could barely keep his eyes open on the return trip and I had trouble too. Down side of that was I was driving…..!!!!!!!!!!
It was amazing to get out in the fresh air and do what we do best, though I think the dog and I both lost several pints of blood to the flies and one time I thought the stupid flies would carry the dog away.
I will not belabor any more of the gory details, but instead, will suggest this for those of you still chained to your computors… GET UP OFF THE COUCH, PUSH AWAY FROM THE COMPUTOR, GET OUT AND DO SOMETHING before it’s too late!
After the trek, we made a stop at the WAL-MART (said with quiet reverence “all hail the Wal-Mart”) I didn’t go in but instead waited in the car and carried on with my total observation of people (see loss of girl card) Many people came an went during this time, but one couple stuck out in my mind.
For those of you that don’t go any further than this one page, I am not young, though I don’t qualify for the AARP card yet (wonder if that will replace the girl card?) This couple that appeared to be “close” to my age (give or take5 years) slowly left their car and then with no pace at all and a strange walking pattern from the man, hobbled toward the building. I ached, but I think even after our 8-mile romp I could have managed better.
So I say again- GET UP AND GET MOVING BEFORE IT”SMALL TOO LATE!
As I close this, I hope all of you had a wonderful weekend… I am again going to subject myself to the paper from hell (one of 4 this semester) Wish me luck, and if I’m not away from my computer in 4 hours…. SEND HELP!!!!!! :)

reward for lost item

2006-07-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the line I must have lost or torn up my “girl card”.

Now, now, before I get some of you in a snit… I am truly female and very heterosexual, but I have lost touch with the females that surround me.

This week at my work has been the beginning of an eye opener. I mean I knew there was something a bit amiss with my thought processes, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it… until now.
I do not think like a girl.
Yes I keep a clean house and think that my decorating skills are not too shabby, I do cook, though in today’s world, the microwave is my friend. My best friend in the world is female.

But I found out that girl talk is beyond me… during a break, I found myself cloistered with the females at my work…. The talk rambled on from the men in their lives to children, to having children to (oh my GOD) that feminine issue and the problems that arise… By the time this little piece of conversation had arrived I was ready to crawl out of my skin and run screaming through the halls.

The next day during break I sat with the men folks… how refreshing it was to hear off color (ok, really dirty) jokes and just the general “stuff” that guys talk about. I felt like I could breath…! No, I didn’t enter into the conversation, but if I had wanted too I think my comments would have been welcomed.

The second piece of the puzzle was noticing female summer dress.
With the advent of warmer weather, clothing has been a bit slim at best. I too, am guilty of wearing shorts and loose tops, but for the most part, I would say my modesty is fairly intact. Today, while out shopping, for whatever reason, I really noticed what the other females were wearing. Having my teenage daughter who is really very girly (though she would NEVER admit to it) with me, I asked the questions that plagued my thoughts.

The first was, do guys really like the extremely low cut pants on a girl… of course I felt stupid when she pulled out the DUH card on me… I conceded to that one, it was DUH of me…

Then we saw a girl (woman in her 30’s most likely). Her shorts had something written on the butt side (like it was in the late 90’s) I thought I would absolutely bust a gut when I read what it said… “Buffalo”. Though I am sure that is was representative of some team somewhere, I just (as a female) couldn’t understand the logic in writing buffalo on my ass. I mean, I have heard of “truth in advertising”, but this seemed a little extreme.

The next part was the ladies and their shoes…what the hell? One chick as wearing what looked to be a rag-tag shorts outfit with 3” heels, I do mean the stilettos that the soap stars wear.
The next grouping of them all had the mock Frankenstein rubber shoes on. I mean what is up with that? 3-4 inches thick of rubber flip-flops. One chick was so unstable in them she had her toes rigidly curled over the ends of her shoes. Again, I turned to my daughter for an explanation. This one even had her stumped. She waved her hands in front of her and shrugged her shoulders and said,” clueless on that one mumsy”.
Perhaps she too has misplaced her girl card.

My best friend and I even talked about it over dinner. I could tell by the strumming of her fingers on the table she was resisting the urge to slap the snot out of me… She too was at a loss to “get the girly side” of life. I expressed to her my concerns, again she had “that look” and I feared for my very existence!
She carefully reminded me that I really didn’t need my “girl card” and that it is perhaps better that I had lost it…
She is also my editor, and though she really hates the gruesome murder scenes, she concedes that if I thought like a girl I wouldn’t be ale to write them. (She may have a bit of a vested interest)

I guess there is no real point to this other my personal little rant over my confusion about the loss of my girl card, but I am open to suggestions… :)

In the wake of the question

2006-07-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

The words of St. Theresa of Avila,
”Accustom yourself continually to make many acts of love, for they enkindle and melt the soul”.

“To love someone and be loved is a deeply spiritual state.”

I don’t know if I truly remember it. How do I trust what is love and infatuation?

As I ponder this issue I am torn. I know your gaze, your adoring smile, your many acts of kindness and concern… you are ever there. I am still not accustomed to trusting myself anymore.

I let myself dream of things;
A slow dance in your arms, your soft lips against mine. Days spent doing the “mood” of the day. Long hikes, followed by a cool dip in a lake. Summer nights spent counting the stars, losing our place and starting again until we can no longer stay awake. Winter spent in cocooned silence, merely enjoying the time together. Feeling your strong hands touch me after a night of love, your warm skin melting into mine.

In my minds eye;
Your hearty laugh and gentle chuckle over life’s spice. Your contemplative stare when the problems have become paramount. Your resolute mind when decisions have to be made.

I have seen you, watched you and felt you even when you were not there in front of me.

I remember the last time. Whispered words and hushed tomes of love, both of us knowing what the obligations were.

Your assuring words of the music playing…. “Inside my heart there’s an empty room, it’s waiting for lightening, it’s waiting for you, I am wanting, I am needing you here in the absence of fear.”

I smile when I think of you. I marvel at the familiarity that we share. Two children that have been lost in time only to find that the other was right there all along.

Perhaps this is the act of love as it has touched my soul.

A tribute to the "Finest"

2006-07-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

As anyone who knows me well can attest, my sleeping habits have been amusing to some and troublesome to others.

Last night (Saturday) I had finally drifted off when after about 30 minutes or so I awakened to see my neighbor’s car fully engulfed in flames. Being a “good neighbor” I did call 911 and was told that many people had just called in about the car, but it would be a moment or two before crews could respond, as there were several fires in the area
(Thank you fireworks and stupid people)

Within moments, the BPD was on the scene but their handheld canisters they were at a loss to do anything but help the citizenry leave the immediate area incase the gas tank blew.

In only moments the engine company (#2 on out side of town) arrived and made short work of the flaming mess.

As I watched from the relative comfort of my front yard, I was again reminded of these brave folks, men and women in our neighborhood, that when the rest of us are running away from the fire, they run towards it.

These men, probably already tired from a long night of dealing with accidentals set by fireworks hopped off the truck and with amazing skill and grace hooked up their equipment and completed their task. The only item destroyed was the car and no other structures were ever put at risk.

So this morning, I ask any and all who visit this site to be reminded of the brave men and women that do this thankless job. Take a moment to find them (go to the station) and tell them how appreciated they are. Take a cake or other items. Bring your children with you so that they too can gain an appreciation for the services provided by these brave people.

Something I didn't say

2006-06-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today you told me something wonderful and it caught me off guard.

I know I mumbled some platitude… perhaps it was my usual one of
“that’s so sweet”…Then in my embarrassment, I changed the subject.

As I mulled over the events of the day, my answer to your statement was surely lacking, my gratitude was overwhelmed by my surprise at your remarks.

So, here for all to see, I wish to thank you. Not just simple thank you, but one of capital letters and bold print, THANK YOU!

You have been there repeatedly for me.
You have guided my way even though it was done with an unseen hand.
You believed in me even when I insisted I had limitations.
Your expectations of my abilities have caused me to expand and grow in ways I didn’t know I could.
Your gentle smile always there, was a beacon throughout the worst times. Your humor softened the sometimes-harsh moments.

Now, at the end of the day, after all you have done for me, you still wished to reward me with other accolades.
As I write these simple words, they don’t seem to have the power to convey my true feelings.

THANK YOU just doesn’t seem enough.

Soap stars never wear comfortable shoes

2006-06-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

Though I know that this confession will certainly garner me noteworthy chiding, I watch soaps. Not just one, I watch two. There I said it. Whew, I feel better. Now wait before you go wagging your finger at me, it's a release, like watching the WWE, football or political debates. For an hour at a time I can "go" to a magical place and forget the tedium of the day.
This place is one of comfort to riches. I have never yet seen a homeless person have a recuring role on a soap. Ususally they only show up to dig in the trash and find the hiding place of some object needed to further the story. The people that inhabit the mythical places of Landview and Pine Valley always seen to have nice clothes and a place to live, though for the most part, none of them really works...... still trying to figure out how to make that happen in my own life, but that's for another blog..
The women are always skinny and well couffed even when they wake after a night of "hot monkey love" they look as if they have spent hours in the beauticians chair. Their outfits are fabulace and usually by some designer instead of the Targe't brands that we in the real world wear. And no matter the occasion, stiletto heals are required.
The men always have chiseled jaws and rock hard abs. For these men, any excuse for the shirt to come off is good. And yes, it goes without saying that all of them are viral and can make a woman sing the battle hymn of the Republic during her orgasm.
So now that I have expounded on the virtues or lack there of on soaps, where is all this leading you ask?
It leads right here, to reality. Though I will not go into the details of the "why" of this post, I just wanted to remind those that stop by here that the people and places in theirs lives are just as wonderful as the ones on the soaps (or any other issue we use to "check out" of reality), but we never seem to take the time to appreciate them.
We get caught up in things that "excite and rile us", but we really have no control over. We obsess over issues that, in the long run, are meaningless at the end of the day.
As I close this, all that I ask is that you look around and see, I mean really see the who, what and why of your life and to rememeber to celebrate it instead of wasting time on things that have no value. Remember to wear the comfortable shoes and keep your shirt on.

ok, there you go...... now off with you! The commercial is over and Erica's just about to say to Jack................

mirandas_muse

2006-06-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

mirandas_muse

To spark your interest:

I Need a GUY Like this/ I’d love to treat a guy like this:

[1.]While I hold your hand, I'll play with your fingers...
[ 2.]Tickle you & make you laugh. ..
[ 3.]Kiss you. ...
[ 4.]And not only kiss you on the lips, but kiss you on the cheek and forehead too.
[ 5.]Hold you by the waist....
[ 6.]Hug you while I'm behind you and rest my head on your shoulder....[ 7.]Whisper "I love you" in your ear
[ 8.]Tell you you're beautiful...
[ 9.]Look you in the eyes and smile when I'm thinking...
[ 10.]Tell you I never want to let you go....
[ 11.]Come visit you while your sick

This list came to my computer via one of my children’s Myspace account. Instead of doing the “random delete” that I normally do, the wording caught my eye and I read through the list.
my first inclination was how juvenile, how immature, how not understanding of how things work. Then, in the deepest parts of my memory I DID remember a time when those romantic ideals were important and obtainable.

So I began mentioning it (the list) to my friends, they too were skeptical at first then also had vague memories of how romance used to be. I guess the question here may be is romance dead or only on the critical list?

From the responses I received from my friends, I would say that it is terminal without hope of recovery. One woman confided it had been years since her husband had talked to her or touched her in the way the list presented. Oh yes she said, they had sex, but she felt it was almost an obligation for him. She even went as far as to say she had been reading and doing other “things” to spark his interest. I asked where she as headed with her program; she said that she would go to the ends of the world to have what they once had.
A male friend of mine had the same lament. He said he knew his wife cared, but in the long run did she care about him or the level of comfort he allowed her to live in. This one did surprise me a little as men are the ones usually portrayed as the “not interested in foo foo stuff”. He said that he remembered how it was in the beginning. Walking in the woods and not being bothered if they got caught in the rain. As he spoke I watched the look in his eyes. Though he was physically in the room with me, his eyes had gone to a distant and haunting place. There was remembrances and sadness in his gaze.

The one answer that surprised me the most was from someone that, until her confession, I had not suspected anything amiss in her relationship. She said she had no desire to ever return to “those types of feelings”. She knew her husband had a mistress and she was glad of it. She loved being the female of house, but had no desire to play footsie anymore. Her very, almost defiant nature, made me wonder what could have happened to make her so jaded.

Now that I have rambled on lets’ get to the point of this.Romance is not dead, just rather ill. I invite you to look over the list again and find that person that is special in your life and let them know it. Who knows, it might be fun!

I'm back

2006-06-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

After much thought I am back...... Look here from time to time to see the new and improved Mouse.......
Thanks for stopping by....looking forward to hearing from you....... Miranda