The last good by

I haven’t posted in a while…… things have been crazy-mad.

Much has changed and continues to change- to my surprise and amazement.
I have found that even at my age and level of cynicism I still have much to learn.
From the beginning of the New Year (American) until now has been a reflective time for me.

Though I had a sense of direction, I felt I was merely marking time. The year was unfolding as I had thought it would until February. I learned my daughter would have twins and their arrival date would be June. This was a remarkable coincidence that tied to an event 22 years earlier. This event was the simple gift of a stone that until now had been resting in a bag, with no purpose. Now it would become the birthstone of the new girls.

Though I had stayed in touch with the giver of the stone, our conversations had been limited to the usual pleasantries of weather, life in general and family. This perhaps would have continued to be the case had there not been the conflict in his country.

This conflict was not unlike many others that had erupted over the last few decades, but somehow I felt a different sense of “emergency” about this one. Silly though it seemed, I contacted my friend to wish him well.
This simple act, conducted with only the thought of wishing a safe return, has brought about amazing life changes and the reassurance that my life is not my own, but belongs to a much higher and grander plan.

If you have visited this place (my site) you have been a voyeur into some of it. Over the summer, this simple act has transformed itself in to the beginning of an amazing journey.
This simple act has rekindled what was a friendship and changed it into a lasting commitment.

This simple act has given more purpose to a direction I had started 6 years ago.
This simple act will change forever the course of my life, as I will be leaving the county of my birth, for a place I have never been, to enjoy a life that can only be dreamed of by most.

I wish I could take credit for making these decisions myself, but as this last couple of weekends has proven; there is a larger plan and consciousness at work.

For those that know me only on the surface, there is a perception that I am the “wild child” saying and doing whatever I please. While this is true, for those that really know me, they are aware of my deeply spiritual side. Though I have not been a “zealot” with my beliefs, I have followed them with a purpose and strength of will. But even with that purpose and strength, I find now that I have still been “floating” through life.

If ever that were “proven” to me it would have been in the events of the last few weeks. Though I had made a commitment to my friend, there was “wiggle room”. I could, if I had chosen, resend the commitment I had made. There were also obstacles that could have prevented me following this commitment as well.

These past few weeks have cleared these obstacles and given me an unprecedented view of life. I have a renewed sense of many things.

I know that my feelings for my friend are really much deeper and lasting than I could have imagined as I had promised myself not to “ever let myself fall again”. I am proud and honored to call my friend my bashert. But then, he is more than that.

He is a brilliant, handsome man full of life and energy. He has dreams and feelings that amaze me daily. His love of his people and country comforts me.
He has allowed me to come to him without pressure or guilt. His guidance has been one of a strong and firm hand but not an overpowering presence.
He has allowed me to follow whatever path was laid before me. He trusted in the plan of “the higher purpose” before I knew it even existed. His love and understanding of me is amazing.
He makes me smile.

He is my husband and I am his wife.


Then there are the events of the last few weeks. Obstacles have been falling away and roads have been cleared. I have made many new friends in this journey. Each has offered me a clear road to this path. This was perhaps most evident this past weekend as I participated in my first Rosh Hashanah.

Going to a place I had not been before, with a people that shared not only a religion but also a culture was more than intimidating. What I found were a warm and welcoming people. They understood that I was a neophyte in their midst and helped me through the service.

It was during that service that something else happened. Though I know that any meaning can be found in any teaching or instruction, the words that the Rabbi said seemed to be very pointed. They gave me pause. At that moment and the following day, I have never felt so more alive and centered. It was as if what I had been waiting for all of these years was here and I merely had to reach out and touch it.

At that moment I felt my husband with me though he is thousands of miles away. I felt my schooling had a purpose and direction to be used for the greater good.
I felt complete.

So, as I close, this will be my last writing here. I have enjoyed posting here and if anyone has read these notes, I hope that they take something from them that they need.
To all others…..
I hope that you find what you are searching for.

Remember to never close any doors or burn any bridges. Take the high road and be gracious. Count your blessings even when they don’t appear to be present.

If y’all are ever in Israel, stop by…. We’ll do coffee….. :)

9/11

Today, it's five years since I lost a good friend and a lover.

Both men were doing their jobs when the unimaginable happened. I'm sure that both hadn't even given a thought to anything happening out of the ordinary that day. Both would have laughed if you had told them that this would be the end. They lived life to the fullest at all times.

I'm sure that as the worst was happening to them, their thoughts were on doing the right thing instead of considering themselves. From all accounts, both died heros trying to help those around them. To hear this surprised none of us who knew them. In life they were loving, caring people that made the world a better place.

My friend that worked in the Trades always had a happy face and was a fun person. Though we had only begun as customer and service provider, I came to know him as much more than that. He and his family extended every courtsey and a bond of friendship formed. He showed me a side of the city I could never have imagined. I still have happy memories of those times. I grieve with his family over his loss. A loss they still feel.

My lover was with the Department on that day. Called in on a day off, he responded with his usual zest and zeal. His friends say that he went in, never to come out. I don't know all of the details, nor do I want to. I only want to remember the wonderful times. His generous smile and soft touch. His laugh, his jokes, his thick "Yankee" accent and him making fun of my "southern talk".

Five years later, I can say that I still miss them and probably always will.
Five years later, I still ask the questions of "why" that will never be answered.
Five years later, I light a candle in their honor, for their bravery and selflessness.
Five years later, I commemorate the sacrifices that they made.

Though my process had begun before that fateful day, I have commited myself to training and learning to prevent this from happeneing again. I have made this commitment in their honor. In their honor, I say "Never again!"

To them I say you are missed, loved and cherished.
To the families of all those that lost their lives on that day, you are in my heart and in my prayers.

Thoughts on the end of the world!

The sky is falling the sky is falling!

Ok, so what else is knew? According the prognosticators of doom (news crews) the world will end tomorrow, or at least Armageddon will be in full swing….

Why you ask? Too many people with too much time on their hands would be my main guess…
But if it does come, I think I will have some unfinished business that someone will owe me for.

I don’t think I have smelled ALL of the flowers in the world…

I know I haven’t been to all the places I want to go yet.

I still have my MasterCard and the limit is pretty danged high and the balance is low.

They haven’t found Jimmy Hoffa or Al Capone’s vault.

I haven’t watched the new Pirates of the Caribbean yet…

I haven’t given THAT annoying gift to my grandchildren yet… (that will be a sweet day :) )

I haven’t figured out who really killed JFK- though being from my family I do have reasonable suspicions….

I haven't found out how many times is TOO many times ( if there ever is TOO much. I personally think there is never enough !)

And right now, this very minute, I haven’t had the pleasure of holding my new husband tightly in bed,
staring into his beautiful blue-green eyes and whispering into my beloveds ear…
those beautiful little words that will rock his world…

it’s YOUR turn to let the dogs out…

So, with the end in mind….. I think I will eat a larger bowl of ice cream… what will it matter in the morning!

Oh……. Baby doll, even if it is the end of the world…. I still better get my morning call!
I love you. I will, always and ever.
Mouse……..

another quicky

I received this today in my beloved E mail.....


>Dear Valarie, Thank you for reaching out to Jacob's Light and thank you for passing out site to others. We need all the funding we can get to continue our mission. If you live locally we sure can use help packing boxes. We are based on Long Island , NY. If you do call me at 631 667 1197. Thank you for helping in memory of my beloved son Jacob.
Blessings,Dorine


What a wonderful and gracious woman. Please see the link to Jacobs light in my section under Life, Death and the In between.
Please, I know these times are hard and scary for us all, but if you can find it in your heart to help, please contact her. I believe the work that she is doing is beyond amazing!
Mouse.

random thoughts

Well, the news of the world is bad today… I mean really bad, some say WW III bad and perhaps they are right…. but with all that is going on I couldn’t let this one little thought escape without comment. Yes I know…. I have a thought and you are advising me to “let it go”.

Perhaps I am just tired… you see, somewhere recently I must have gotten married… to my job… and my life has become my lover… The lover I never seem to spend much time with as my marriage to my job seems paramount at this point…. trying to balance the two- job and life have left me more than exhausted….

SO- with that as a preface here is my little observation.
Political campaigns, much like death and taxes are inevitable…. As we gear up for the coming elections (those from now until 2008). I’m sure the rhetoric on both sides will become as nasty as a three-dollar whore on a two-dollar night. I knew it would come, but I just didn’t know how quickly.

Here in Montana- where men are men and sheep are scared… the political volleys started early. Con-Rad and Tester have been the focus of most of the ads. Con- Rad lobbed the first session and trashed Tester- Frankly I don’t know much about Tester,
If I were back home he would be just another bubba in a long line of bubbas that want my vote. Nothing really stands out about him.

The ad that Con-Rad and his people concocted was about Testers' barber and his hair cut (see above mention of the bubba factor when you think about the hair cut) Of course, the barber in the commercial was an actor and Testers’ people fired back with the real barber on a different commercial (after seeing Testers hair- don’t know that I would claim that I did that to the man, but anyway)

The Dems have come back with Con-Rads political record- which for those of you that don’t know, reads like the who’s’ who manual about how to be bought off and get away with it.

The National Republican group has fired back and calls Tester a tax and spend liberal…it is this commercial that actually started me thinking on this vein…. at the end of the commercial they show a Monty Python-esc cartoon of Tester and with his mouth wide open they drive a train into it…. Saying he thinks you are a gravy train with biscuit wheels… I was rocking with the gravy train part until they got to the biscuit wheels.

Who in the world thought that up…. I mean really, how old was the person constructing that ad? I mean guys- come on…. Speaking as a conservative- that was about the lamest commercial I have seen yet…. do you need help down there to come up with better? (I can be hired)

The second part of this is the new Tester commercial…. I like the beginning of it… he says he will drive this truck all around Montana meeting every one of us…. Good thought actually in world where men get elected then forget the address of the state they are from.

The end of this commercial is again what made me chuckle (and again I want to offer my humble services) They say he will not stop until he meets with every one- except to eat… you know guys, this part could have been left out. God love him Tester doesn’t look like he has missed ANY meals in a long time. I am no expert, but I would suggest hi BMI is way over 41…. time to push away from the table there John boy…

I know you have good ideas, I will vote for you (but as an aside- I have to add that my vote for you is just as much about what you are saying, as it is a vote against Con-Rad. I would even vote for one of the afore mentioned sheep against Con-Rad)

But the bubba factor is really high with you… Again I know you have good ideas, but please, lets try to pick up the game a little and look a little more Senatorial.

SO- now that little thought is out of my head, perhaps I can go back to being vegetative…. More on this as time goes by, because I know in my heart the commercials will just get dumber…

Life, Death and the inbetween

Just thoughts-
I find that recent events have probably left me with more than a few jumbled thoughts, and perhaps this is just one of them.

Life-Death and the “in between”.
We all know that the moment of our first breath is the doorway to our last.

No amount of time is guaranteed here and each moment is precious and should be savored.

Recently I had the occasion to be in a semi vegetative state while watching TV.
I find that as of late, I have become a profound news junkie. I mean, I watched the news before, but with all that my life involves, I find that I am a slave to the remote.
During this vegetative time I saw two very distinct ideas of life and death. Both involved mothers and their loss of their child in the Iraqi conflict.

One mother has made the headlines of every paper and news rag. Her name is Cindy. I don’t have to use last name here because there probably aren’t too many people that don’t know her or haven’t heard her tale of woe.

The other is Dorine. I know the reporter said her name, but the importance of it was lost on me as her story unfolded.

Both mothers had sons that they loved beyond words. Both mothers’ sons felt the connection, and importance in duty, honor and service. Though I don’t know why Cindy’s son joined, Dorine’s son was (in her words) profoundly affected by 9-11.

Now, let me stop you before any of you reading this launch into an anti Bush tirade and spell out in Micheal Moore detail why 9-11 and the conflict in Iraq have nothing to do with each other. That is another discussion for another time and this is not the time.

It really doesn’t matter why both of these fine young men with their futures in front of them thought that honor duty and service were important. To them, reasons didn’t matter, for them, it just merely “was”.

From all accounts both served bravely and with duty and purpose. Both died in that place half way around the world. Some will say that their deaths are meaningless and senseless; I would counter with their passing should not be degraded by words like that. I would say that their life and their sacrifice should be exalted. They should be symbols of the best that one can be.
As I watched, what struck me the most was the way in which these two mothers did honor their sons.

As we all know, Cindy, in her grief, divorced her husband, left her other three children and began a trek for answers that cannot be given. Along the way, she encountered people, which with their own agendas pushed her into the limelight. Her grief became a point to which all rallied. Recently it was announced that with 50,000 in insurance money from her sons’ death, she had, through a second individual, purchased land in Crawford to again take up the protest. Though everyone works through their grief in different ways, it appears that no one around Cindy has taken the time (or cares) to see that the woman is desperately in need of help. Instead these people around her parade her around and she offers up a pathetic vision of a distraught woman lost in a sea of misery.

The other woman, Dorine, offered a different prospective. Before her son died, she would send him care packages. This little morsel of home packed lovingly in a box and mailed with tenderness became a lifeline for not only her son by other members of his group. From the first box to her son, the list of boxes she mailed grew. Some contained items that were of general need. Others contained special requests. In all of the boxes she made sure to include cards and letter for the soldiers that received none. Many wrote back expressing how much they appreciated the items, but mostly how much they loved hearing from the “folks back home” and knowing that their service did matter. Though the passing of her son was a terrible loss, Dorine has continued to honor his memory by sending boxes to the ones left behind. http://www.jacobsprogram.org/jacob.htm is the site that details her endeavors. I invite all who stop by here to visit her site and help in whatever way you can.

Well, I guess this brings me to the close of my little observation. No, I didn’t call it a rant, just an observation and perhaps for me an introspection.

For me this is a time of waiting and wondering as well. Perhaps because it is my second time through a similar ordeal, I am handling it better. I remember my first time. I worried; I panicked when the phone rang. If there was a delay in plans, I was sure that the worst had happened. I continued on in this vein and I’m sure, drove the both of us crazy.

But one day, I had the occasion to meet with another woman that had lost her husband to honor and duty. Taking my hand she, asked if I thought I knew my man’s heart better than he did?

She made me see that performing his duty in service was what made him whole and that for me to denigrate that in any way was to lessen the man. That if I believed in him that I must also trust in him to know his way.
She then pointed out another person in the office. She told me that he had modified his life because his wife “didn’t get his need.” Instead of being in the field doing what he loved, he was chained to a desk and from a chair side seat, watched as the world marched by. His death would be a slow one of wasting away instead of following his heart.

From that moment I “got it”. Duty, honor, service. These were the heart of my man. Perhaps that’s why when that phone call did come, I knew that he had followed his heart and that I was better for letting him do it.

Today, as I again wait, I remember the words of that woman.

Today as I wait, not knowing whether he is boots to the ground or in the air, I hold dear, that this is his way. I will honor the heart of the man as he honors his duty, service and country.

Today as I wait, I share in the loss that two mothers have felt and hope and pray that they too will overcome the grief and see the honor that their young sons had.

To the one I wait for- though I know it will be sometime before you read this, please know that I am ever yours. You have shown me your heart and I love you more for it.
Ani L’ Dodi, v Dodi Li.
Mouse

There are no words to say. I am sorry for the doubts I had. You are my bashert. I will wait.
with all of my love
mouse.



To my Wife,

This will be the last letter for a small while. You know by now I was called out with the rest. I know these few weeks have been difficult for you and you have understandably been reexamining your position.
Please do not fear. Though this is a time of trouble, it is only because of honor and duty that I am here instead of with you.
It is my honor to fight for a cause I believe in. It is my duty to support my country.
Please stand strong. Strong choices have been made and will continue to be made. There will be those that will say we should take the coward’s way out. I can not, nor could any of my comrades.

Please stay happy. This is only a small time or trouble in a lifetime of joy. This idea is why I rise every day and do what I am called on to do.

Please remember the happier times and know that they will be here soon again. Remember that though I am here I am ever with you and you are ever with me.

My wife, my mouse, I will not step into harms way. I will come home to you.
Ani ohev otach. I will, always and ever.Your loving husband Boaz


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CoRfnIByq8

ok that's it!

I love my e mail, I truly do. Each little missive is a morsal of life that someone is willing to share with me. Some are funny, others thoughful and lovely. But much like the shark in Jaws, there is another kind. It floats in just beneath the surface and seeks to gobble you up, never to be seen again.
This mail can put fear into the hearts of any computer user and no spam block can ever get rid of it........

What is this terrible scurge that seeks to overtake our window to our friends?
Gather 'round children and I'll tell you!
Now hold tight to each other and try not to be afraid........
This dire and dreaded mail, the one that will cause heart palpatations and nervous ticks, this awful and wicked mail is none other than the chain letter Jesus mail!
It's ok you there in the back.... you can stop your whimpering.... the mail is not here, we only speak it's name quietly to inform you.
What is the chain letter Jesus mail you ask? For those of you fortunate enough to have never seen it, it's quite normal looking. A few paragraphs, some catchy phrases and great pictures or sunsets, nature scene and small children. It speaks of love and understanding then places upon you the reader the terrible task of forwarding it to your friends. Some promise that in a few days something wonderful will happen if you send it along to 10 friends.

Others promise that someone out there needs to hear the words in the mail and by doing so their lives are changed forever. A couple do seek to warn the reader that if the mail is not sent out, other "consequences" may befall the reader.

Ok you say, it's just mail, delete it an go. Well yes in most cases this will work, but I find that most of the Jesus mail has been sent to me by one of my friends ( boy I need to check that list again huh?) and to see if I am forwarding it (not just me but any of the people that recceive it) they add in a 'if you love me" you'll mail this back to me too clause. If I delete the mail without sending it back to the person that sent it to me, I run the risk of offending.
If I forward it on to my list of people I run the risk of alienating all those that feel the way I do, but will mail it back to me so not to offend me........
So as I bring this little rant to a close:

to All my dear friends that want to lead me to the lord.... thank you. I really appreciate your thoughts, but the lord and I have a great relationship........ and to my knowledge I haven't pissed him off (this week , but the week ain't over yet!)
(to my bashert- yes, I know- hebrew light, 1/2 the religion and none of the guilt)

please DO continue to send all of the funnies though, I do love a good chuckle.......